I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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