went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
