I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
