Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Randomize
