Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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