I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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