i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
