my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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