just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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