he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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