My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
