Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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