I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
