well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Randomize
