I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
