He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
