i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
