im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I have aggressive nipples.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
