My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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