she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
