dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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