you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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