No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
