Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
