my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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