Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
