We're facebook friends in real life
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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