so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
