she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
