So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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