There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I party with great urgency now.
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