By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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