there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
