just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
