Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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