Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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