My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
