Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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