I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
