Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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