He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
