I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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