a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
