you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
