My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My boob is missing a layer of skin
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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