It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
