genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
