So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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