Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
