Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
